Once broken, changed forever…

This blog is about a broken soul desperate to be mended but fears the cracks have grown too far apart for the joints to be fixed any more…the chaotic mind stopped making sense long ago, the heart struggling to find a ledge to hold on to; only to slip over again, just when I felt confident of my foothold. Trapped in a whirlwind of confused memories, my broken soul attempts multiple repairs, but I find myself every time, cut more deep, more pained, more torn, more and more lost…

Battling episodes of varying degrees of depression that graduated from mild to chronic, now taking a turn to clinical, a myriad of unfortunate turn of events and periodic heart breaks led to my dismal state of suspended animation (metaphorically speaking of course); it took me a while to figure out that I was, in fact, in the grip of a mental health crisis, safely counting myself as one among the growing statistics of a population suffering from what is regarded as the the silent pandemic of the 21st century. Also, I was, in all probability, somewhat genetically predisposed to developing stunted coping mechanisms thereby frequently falling prey to depression and many of the affiliated symptoms…

As I continue to dwell aimlessly in this very morbid state of mind, and try to get the light of logic to make its presence felt ever so often, but being disappointed with the efforts most of the time, I came across the concept of “Kintsugi“.

Kintsugi is a Japanese word also known as the “golden repair”… It is an ancient technique of mending broken ceramic potteries with gold dust that lent an ethereal, almost mystical beauty to the amended piece of ceramic. The once broken pottery looked new but not without showing off its past cracks. It is almost as if the pottery was displaying battle scars with a sense of pride and glory…not bowing down to the fact that it was once broken to the point of becoming useless, meant only to be disposed off as garbage.

When I see the scars of my self inflicted injuries I think to myself, maybe it was nature’s way of breaking me down over and over again and then mending me with gold dust, just like the Kintsugi…the scars are what essentially make me a beautiful soul.

Hence I named this blog after the golden repairs…as I feel anyone struggling through challenges with depression, stress, anxiety, loneliness…plagued with feelings of suicide and self harm …they too may resonate with my thought process. After all it is not everyday that my mind allows me to think creatively…this blog was conceived two years ago in my mind, but my efforts bore fruit today…

This blog is a diary of sorts of my personal journey through the ubiquitous challenges that seemed to never go away and the resulting depression that I struggle with every second of everyday of every week, being crippled inside, but an Olympian outside. I hope to share first hand my experiences with depression, mood swings and anxiety that give rise to sporadic interpretations of my logical self which could strike a common chord with someone else too…